What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
I'm snow bored.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
I “lub” you.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
You’re brew-tiful!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.