Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
"Time wounds all heels."
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
You look like trash, may I take you out?
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing