What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.