What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort