My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
It’s snow joke.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Beach, please.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?