A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Water you doing, my friend?
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
I think you're mer-mazing.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.