Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I think you're mer-mazing.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!