"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
I Wanna Be Your Man
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Know what? I dig you, really!