They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
Let’s list the froze and cons.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.