“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Lettuce go on a long drive.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.