The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.

Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,

About Six-tea years to date,

Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,

her cupious amazing traits

Her balanced demeanour

Her Kindness and (earl) grace,

rooibost sense of humour,

too many to name in this teany space,

to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,

let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,

While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,

It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.

Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.

If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.

What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.

Want to be workout buddies?

What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.

The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.

“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”

- Alan Cox.

What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”

What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.

What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

You feta have a gouda birthday.

What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.

What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.

I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.

"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.

What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function

I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.

Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.

How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.

What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!

I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.

The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.

Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.

I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!

“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings

Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.

What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!

On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.

I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.

Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.

Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.

"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."

- Douglas Coupland

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.

Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer

I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!

What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!

Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.

A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.

If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.