What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
I love all of your stratified layers!
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Know what? I dig you, really!
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
It was mitten in the stars.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
Please excuse my resting beach face.