I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous