Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Fir sure.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.