Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
It's ice to meet you.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"