What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Tis the sea-sun.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?