What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
I'd start a revolution for your number.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years