What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson