What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."