"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
I love you a tot!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell