Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
You’re right up my alley.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.