What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
I dig you a hole lot.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer