Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Dublin’ the fun.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Car puns are really tiring
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
"Having a good hare day."
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
I have a heart-on for you.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.