How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.