"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.