What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I’m feelin’ green.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder