What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
I'm the life of the paddy.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell