Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!