"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush

A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.

What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!

What was stolen from the music store? The lute.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.

Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.

I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"

A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.

Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.

As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.

I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.

Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.

Will you go penguin sledding with me?

How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!

"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."

How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?

Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.

Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!

What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

But I don't care

Cause I'm leaving you.

What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.

"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant

I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings

Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.

A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.

What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.

Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!

What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."

My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.

Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.

Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.

What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.

Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.

Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.

Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.