What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
It takes one to snow one.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Icy what you did there.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"