“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Hey, are you okay-leb?
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
Would you like to share fire with me?
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Can I Alp you?
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Irish you luck.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!