Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
One more thyme.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.