What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!