What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”

- George Bernard Shaw

I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.

Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.

Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.

I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.

Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.

Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.

Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.

What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.

Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.

How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!

Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday

My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson

What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”

How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.

"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown

I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!

“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.

You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.

“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”

"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets

I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.

What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.

I fence-y you.

“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard

What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.

My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.

What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.

What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...

Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.

How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.

“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown

Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"

What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.

If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.

A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.