What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.