The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason