What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Give me some pigskin
"Aloe you vera much."
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.