Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
One trick peony.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I love you meow and forever.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.