“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown