What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four