When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.

Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.

How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.

What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.

I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....

A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.

Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.

Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll

What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.

I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.

Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?

Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?

Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!

Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.

How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.

The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.

Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?

What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.

Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.

Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...

My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...

What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.

Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.

Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.

I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk

Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.

"It's not you...it's your taste in music"

It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.

If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.

Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".

Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.

One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.