“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
I love you and I ain’t lion.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
They say everything gets better with age.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.