It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
This is snow laughing matter!
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.