What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.