What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Pirates Private Property.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Are you a human? Just making sure.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
I feel like we're in tune
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.