Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Can you drive my car?
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.