I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.