“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams

Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.

You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.

When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.

You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!

Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.

How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.

Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.

“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”

- Grant Tucker.

When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?

Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.

I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.

“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston

Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.

Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.

A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."

There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.

You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.

You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.

Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.

What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.

Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'

"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride

My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?

Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.

If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!

I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?

I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th

“Dachshund Through the Snow.”

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney

My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.

To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.

What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad

"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham

Snow thank you.

Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.