Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.