Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
"You can't sip with us."
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Namastay here or come home with me?
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.