I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I want to stretch with you.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.