There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Tropic like it's hot.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.