What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Don't worry, bee happy!
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin