What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.