What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
I could never Passover you.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.