“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
You had me at taco.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.