What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Your love will always be up to par.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!