Can February march?
No, but April may.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Can you drive my car?
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.