“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.

I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.

“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes

If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.

What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.

“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor

“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."

What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.

What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”

How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.

What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.

What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.

What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!

Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?

My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!

What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.

What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.

I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.

I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.

What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!

What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.

“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”

- Alfred North Whitehead.

"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown

What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.

Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.

What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.

Promise you won’t Char-leave?

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.

“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams