It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
I would give anything to be your personal item.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Want to go for a ride?
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!