I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.

A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.

“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.

“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.

What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!

Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.

When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.

Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.

Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.

Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”

- Kin Hubbard.

How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.

A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

- Erma Bombeck.

I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.

Have you botany plants lately?

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.

"You bake me crazy."

"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl

I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you

"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."

- Leopold Fechner.

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.

What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.

What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.

Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone

I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall

Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.

Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.

What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?

A mist conception.

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."

- Steven Wright

What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.

What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.

The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don't, the country is safe.

What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.

“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.

I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".

Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.

The ocean made me salty.

What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.