How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
Rudder valve reversals
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Man is Fatally Slain.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.