Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.