Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
"I'm nuts about you."
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Whale, hello there.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
I’m soy into you.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"