The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.