If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
We’ll have a ball.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
We are mint to be.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!