You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Just brew it!
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Hold on for deer life.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
I’ll never leaf you.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
You have me greening from ear to ear.