A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
This is snow laughing matter!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
You are sweeter than 3.14.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
"It's wine o'clock."
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn