"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles