Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin