Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Let's boomerbang!
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!