If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.

I can get you off the Naughty List.

What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.

Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.

My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.

What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.

here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!

Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.

Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.

What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.

“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”

- Marsha Norman

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.

I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.

Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.

I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.

What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.

Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.

Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.

What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.

Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?

Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.

What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.

Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.

What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg