It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
It takes one to snow one.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
You are my raisin to smile.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising