A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!