Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
I would love to show you first class.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
You're my purr-son.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.