What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans

“Bah-Hum-Pug.”

I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.

I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.

They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.

A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".

I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"

When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'

Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.

I love spending koala-ty time with you.

A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.

What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!

“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner

What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”

Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.

Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen

What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!

Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.

How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.

Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?

Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”

Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.

Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.

Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.

My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.

What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!

Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.

The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.

What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers

Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be

Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.

Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.