Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
The ocean made me salty.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.