Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!

Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.

I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.

"Bone to be wild."

Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.

When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.

What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”

“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine

What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.

I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.

Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.

"We found eggs in a hopeless place."

Variety is the ice of life.

What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.

Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.

There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.

What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx

I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.

My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"

And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".

What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.

“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous

“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”

I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.

I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.

I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.

Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers

What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.

What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!