What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Sleigh, what?!
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".