“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright