What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Love me do
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
As it snow happens.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.