It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Don't worry, bee happy!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Readers do it by the book.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Whatever floats your goat.
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"For peep's sake."
Leave poetry to the prose.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.