What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
He threw three free throws.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
You snow the drill.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.