Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
You are the square to my root.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.