I would love to show you first class.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
You octopi my thoughts.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
All farts...are laughing gas.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.