Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.