When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
You're the ruler of my heart.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.