What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Yoda one for me!
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.